NancyLostinLife

I recently read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain and gained a new appreciation for my introverted nature. The main message Susan Cain expresses is that being an introvert is not a flaw or a weakness, it doesn’t need to be cured and by disproportionally favouring extroversion society is failing to see the strength and necessity of introverts. Quiet has really stuck with me and changed how I felt about being an introvert which has led me to change how I talk about introversion. Today I’d like to explore being an introvert with you along with giving some tips for surviving social events as an introvert.

The Cultural Obsession With Being Not Being An Introvert

I am a self-proclaimed and labelled introvert. I was the child sent to stage school and other extracurricular clubs in an attempt to “bring me out of my shell”, I was the teenager who sequestered themselves in their room and as a young adult, I would much rather have a quiet night in then one out on the town. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t want a social life.

I think it’s something that a lot of introverts struggle with. We long for companionship and easy moments of socialising probably due to being told that this was what life should be like. Extroversion and socialising are pushed on us at a young age. Parents of toddlers worry that their kids don’t have enough friends or aren’t joining in enough with no thought into what their child wants. The second you get to school you’re monitored and harassed away from shyness as if it’s some ailment that will lead to a life of ruin. Looking back to how I was treated as a quiet kid is so very sad. I was taught that there was something wrong with me and I continue to, at the age of 27, unlearn these lessons.

Not Bad Just Different

The truth is I don’t hate socialising. I love deep conversations with new or old friends but hate small talk with strangers. I enjoy being with people and connecting with people but it can be exhausting. I can be in the middle of an amazing conversation and suddenly feel my mood and energy plummet. All of a sudden everything I say is stupid, offensive or weird and I want to be alone and cry. This can be distressing and the lessons I was taught as a child can enter my head again to the point I feel like there is something wrong with me. What I try and remember is that everyone is different and everyone’s energy is fed by different things. For example, my Mum and Nephew are fed by work and a lot of my family are fed by noise and action. However, I am fed by quiet and solitude.

It’s taking some time not to see my preferences as “a bad” thing due to the world being designed and ruled by extroverts. At the moment the loudest voices are the ones heard and therefore the ones listened to but as Susan Cain explains this doesn’t work and often leads to disaster. Introverts have analytical, observational and emotional skills that extroverts do not. These skills are not seen in the same positive light as confidence, bravado and openness.

This disparity in how we see extroverts and introverts has also followed me into my current job search. The fear that I won’t get a job that I’m perfectly qualified and able to do due to how I come off socially is stressful but after reading Quiet I’ve begun leaning more into how being an introvert and being a little more quiet is hugely positive. Now instead of hiding my nature, I choose to see the positive in it because there are numerous. I am a good listener who sees things others don’t, I’m highly empathetic and therefore intuitive about the needs of those around me, I’m independent but also able to work deeply with my team and I’m probably never going to show up to work hungover from a night at the club.

The way I see it, is at the moment society is in the wrong and it’s preference for extroverts is another form of bias that overall weakens workplaces, education, politics, etc. and also hurts people. Introverts aren’t the issue in fact they may be the answer to many of the problems we face and it’s time that people started realising that just because someones saying something with confidence and stage presence doesn’t mean their saying anything good or important.

Tips For Social Events

This weekend, I did some socialising at a friend’s housewarming party and I would like to share some tips on how I prepare, recover and minimise the anxiety that tends to hit after a social event.

Charge Up Your Social Battery Before Using It

Spend the time before a social event either quietly doing your favourite introvert hobby or keeping busy to avoid thinking about the upcoming event.

Ask Questions

People like to talk about themselves so ask people questions. Sometimes a niche question can be a good ice breaker but don’t be afraid to go cliche either as it can often lead to exciting places.

Take Breaks

Don’t be afraid to get away and take a break if you feel overwhelmed at all. I love finding a quiet corner especially if I’m feeling overloaded sensory-wise. Sitting on the floor in an out of the way room or even in the bathroom can help ground you.

Write Things Down If Your Ruminating On Them

Most socially anxious people have a huge comedown after a social event and I often find myself going over conversations or moments with a fine tooth comb whilst the hyper-critical part of my brain tells me how bad I did. I’ve found writing these own gets them out of my head. Like I’m plucking them from my mind and putting them away in my journal. If this fails I will ask a friend for an outsider’s perspective because often it’s all in my head anyway but I need an impartial judge to tell me this. The human brain can be very stupid.

I hope these tips help and I’d urge any of my introvert readers to read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain and to research and then list 10 things that make being an introvert great. Feel free to share in the comments or on social media.

Have a Lovely Day!