NancyLostinLife

I’ll be honest with you: I had no idea what to write about this week. I have a list of ideas I keep on my phone that I should be able to pick from, but none of them connected with me. So this post may be a bit rambly and all over the place, but I think it can be good to reflect on the recent past and what’s been sticking in my brain recently.

Feeling Stuck

I’ve not been doing great recently, mostly due to being unemployed and stuck in life. Life doesn’t even feel like the right word because I’ve not felt like I’ve been living for a very long time. For many of us living with mental illness, a lot of days are just spent trying to survive, and that feeling can be magnified if you are also trying to survive financially. In many ways, I’m lucky; I live at home with my mum, and the UK has a welfare system that I can take advantage of, yet I don’t feel lucky. I feel actually very unlucky.

The Burden of Comparisons

Luck is something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, which is strange as I wouldn’t call myself an overly superstitious person. But I’ve been almost consumed by the apparent lack of luck I’ve had. Often this is in comparison to other people my age who seem to fall into good jobs, friends, relationships, etc. I know that this isn’t rational and that comparison is the thief of joy, but it’s hard not to feel left out, especially as a working-class person walking into non-working-class spaces. A stable background just seems to be a head start for a lot of people, and they can’t see it. It’s exhausting to know that something you can’t control will affect you for the rest of your life.

Privilege and Guilt

However, there are many ways in which I am very privileged, which often leads me to feel bad about thinking I’m unlucky or that classism is affecting me. My go-to reaction is often, “Who the fuck am I?” Who the fuck am I to be depressed, to have a good job, to feel entitled to anything, and to feel sorry for myself? Why don’t I just get on with it? This guilt and shame often lead to me just feeling more depressed, and so I find myself in one of many vicious cycles. It seems that there is a war in my head between wanting to give up and feeling like a loser if I do. Neither side is very kind to me, as is the usual with my thoughts.

The Battle of Rational and Irrational Thoughts

I’ve always been incredibly critical of myself, and although I’ve tried to unlearn some of the self-hating habits I’ve picked up, it’s difficult to escape the bombardment of thoughts inside your own head. It takes a long time to extract these ingrained ideals that often stem from a little bit of nurture along with nature. I often use a technique in which I give my most negative and distressing thoughts an avatar called “Irrational Nancy.” It may be a bit counterproductive for it to be a version of myself, but I suppose the thoughts are still mine; they’re just from a part of me that is not kind to myself.

Anyway, there’s also “Rational Nancy,” who is an avatar for my more evidence-based logical thoughts. “Irrational Nancy” is loud, vicious, and emotional, and “Rational Nancy” is more subdued and methodical. Now I’m thinking about it, it’s reminiscent of the US Presidential election debates, although I’m hesitant to label “Rational Nancy” as the Democratic side. “Irrational Nancy” definitely reminds me of Trump in that she comes up with some of the most insane and factually incorrect shit you can imagine but says it so loudly and with enough confidence that she gets heard more.

How it goes is that “Irrational Nancy” will come out with something like, “You’re unlucky and will never succeed,” and I’ll have to look at “Rational Nancy” for the evidence against this statement. However, like I said, “Irrational Nancy,” much like Trump, is loud and will talk over any dissenters to her point of view. So it can be hard work to ignore her and side with my rational side. This becomes even harder when I’m already feeling tired and bad as I have been recently.

Feeling Bad

Bad seems like such a juvenile word to use, but I find it hard to label my current state with anything else. I’m not as depressed as I have been in the past; I’m still doing a lot of things, and I don’t feel distressed. I just feel bad. Like I exist in this black-and-white world of revolving days filled with things I don’t care about. I feel bad about myself, my life, the world, and especially my country. It’s all just so bad right now.

Moving Forward

So what do I do? I don’t feel like there’s much I can do. I’m currently under a long-term mental health team who haven’t given me much hope lately as I do everything they suggest. I walk my dog for an hour for exercise, I take my meds, I sleep well, I socialise as much as I can, I write and have hobbies, and whatever else they suggest. Sometimes writing helps as it’s a way to release some of the pressure from my brain with all these thoughts. I’m going to try and get more exercise and eat better. I’m also going to continue to make and achieve small goals every day. Other than these things, I think my best course of action is to work on the way I talk to myself. I must get better at self-compassion and maybe at finding hope. Hope is something I’m lacking at the moment, so I’ll have to go find some.