NancyLostinLife

I’ve been exhausted recently. Physically I’m sleeping about 10 hours, mentally everything is draining and emotionally I am apathetic or in a grey world of depression. However, even being depressed is tiring. I’m sick of it.

For many years I’ve felt stuck in this cycle of mental illness where I’ll get depressed, get help, start feeling better, be good and then get depressed again. Like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill only for it to roll back down again I always end up back at the beginning, in a depressive episode and they seem to get worse each cycle. In the spirit of the theme, it’s exhausting.

The only solutions I’ve come up with is pushing through and just trying to get through the day. Of course, pushing through sometimes isn’t possible. My last bad depressive episode, during which I went into inpatient care, was different due to the sudden feeling that my bones were made of lead. My limbs were so heavy and took so much effort to move that it was almost impossible. Which as a mostly high-functioning depressive was terrifying and eye-opening. During this time I still managed to do some fundamental hygiene tasks but otherwise, I was psychologically bed-bound.

The Physical Toll of Mental Illness

It’s hard to articulate this feeling to people around you and many people can’t understand what it means to be physically affected by mental illness. I come from a family of busy, high energy and clean people who have little empathy for anyone who says they can’t do something. Unfortunately, I find that some of this mindset has rubbed off on me and I hate that about myself especially as it tends to hurt me the most. It’s embarrassing to say that my recent experience has changed my mind slightly but it has. It has made me more sympathetic to others. I’m still working on sympathising with myself.

I will say that the way I grew up, although it comes with downsides, I’m thankful for it as it taught me that even when my bones were made of lead I should push through to look after myself hygiene-wise. I still brushed my hair, and teeth and did other small personal hygiene tasks. I didn’t want to do these things; they took a lot of energy, but they felt necessary due to my nurturing. I think on this occasion my childhood training meant I didn’t neglect myself. I know it’s hard but I do think even at your worst you should push yourself to do tasks to look after yourself. Even if it means using wipes as a face wash or just using mouthwash instead of brushing your teeth, these small acts of self-care are powerful when you are at your lowest.

Tips for When Your Bones Feel Like Lead

1. Count to 3 before doing something.

If I need to do something hard (or it seems harder than it is in my mind) I count to 3 then start doing it. For some reason, this kind of gears me up and gets me going. Also once you start doing something it’s often an easier task than you thought it was going to be.

2. If it’s worth doing it’s worth doing badly

A friend of mine said this to me a year or so ago and I’ve held onto this phrase ever since. As a perfectionist, it can be hard not to put everything into what I do and expect myself to do it all to a very high standard. However, I’ve come to realise that doing something badly can be just as good as not doing it at all. Especially when it comes to self-care, exercise and other personal activities. For instance, if I can’t brush my teeth then using mouthwash is better than nothing. Obviously don’t do something half-arsed in a dangerous way but give yourself grace to not be perfect.

3. Do things sitting down.

I realised that I do a lot of things standing up; brushing my teeth, combing my hair, skincare etc. I realised this was just a habit and it’s perfectly acceptable to sit and do something to make it easier. You can even lay the fuck down if it helps.

4. Make it easy and accessible.

If you can’t get out of bed, bring the activity to your bed. Keep wipes, deodorant, mouthwash and other items in your nightstand or on the floor next to your bed so you don’t have to go looking for them.

5. Find balance.

This one is hard. I find this hard and probably will continue to be too critical of myself in a black-and-white way when we should all be aiming for grey. I think there is something to push through to look after yourself, your space and your loved ones even when you feel mentally incapable. Sometimes it can improve your mood to push through. However, rest and self-compassion are also very important. When I was clawing my way back out of the depressive episode I’ve been focusing on and my bones began to feel less like lead I made an effort to not push myself too fast to return to my normal daily activity. I decided to celebrate doing the basics like brushing my teeth, showering and doing my skincare whilst prioritising rest the rest of my day. Rest can be a wonderful remedy but unfortunately, our world isn’t designed for rest. Taking rest is now a radical form of self-care when in reality it is a necessary way of looking after yourself. For me, balance came from more focus on rest whilst maintaining personal hygiene habits that helped me feel better as a whole. I suggest finding your balance.

So, what do I do now?

This exhaustion I’ve been feeling is something I’ve felt before. It’s a sad reality of living with mental illness and a continuous hurdle I face. As with many aspects of my illnesses, it’s something I find hard to accept and often I lack self-compassion when it comes to these kinds of symptoms. The kind of symptoms that are in opposition to the capitalistic and productivity-obsessed society I come from.

So on this occasion I challenge myself and anyone reading this to look at their situation through the lens of your best friend. If my best friend was feeling as exhausted as I was I would want them to prioritise rest and so that is what I shall do. I shall rest.