NancyLostinLife

I recently had a meeting at the Job Centre regarding some freelance work I picked up. During the interview, I mentioned that I’d had a break from work due to mental illness which resulted in hospitalisation. The person I was speaking to then asked if I was taking medication, which was slightly strange and personal but I took it as a way of checking I was being supported so I said yes. They then reply that they don’t believe in using medication for mental health issues. I’m slightly shocked by this but as a chronic people pleaser I say nothing during the rest of the meeting but this sticks with me. It swirls around my head and my astonishment grows as I play back what this person said to me.

My Journey with Psychiatric Medication

I’m not a stranger to psychiatric medication or the stigma surrounding it. I began my first antidepressant when I was 18 in spite of the stigma and misinformation thrown at me as I contemplated starting them. I will say I had done a few rounds of CBT at the point medication was suggested so I did not find that I was pressured or rushed onto medication as I’ve heard was the experience of some. Some of the warnings given to me from the anti-medication side include that I would become a zombie or become dependent/addicted to them. Ultimately speaking to someone who had actually been on antidepressants made me decide to try them and I’ve continued to use them as part of my mental health treatment since, with a small gap.

The Reality of Medication

Although I do believe that medication is a powerful tool in mental health treatment it isn’t an easy fix without its downsides. As I’ve said I’ve been on some form of medication since I was 18 and in that time I have changed medications and tweaked dosages. I now take two antidepressants as one helps me fall asleep. I’ve experienced side effects like weight gain, nausea and headaches from medications but never have I felt “like a zombie”. I have experienced physical reliance on my medication. If I don’t take them for more than a day I get headaches and have flu-like symptoms. Withdrawal symptoms from antidepressants is something to consider especially with higher doses when considering starting and stopping medications. However, I think the hardest part about my medication journey has been that it hasn’t “fixed” my issues as I would have hoped.

Even before the incident at the job centre, I’d been thinking about my medication a lot recently. I’ve been struggling lately and every time I take my pills I wonder if they are doing anything. It’s something I’ve brought up to my support team and although they reassure me that I’d notice a difference without them, in what I can feel is a slightly dismissive manner, with how I’ve been feeling lately it’s hard to believe that at face value. Even though I’ve taken my prescribed medication as directed I still experience painful depressive episodes that seem unaffected by my medications. I know antidepressants aren’t magic and they are one tool which should be used in conjunction with others but when you’re doing everything right including all the lifestyle stuff and still you’re stuck in a cycle of depressive episodes you start to lose faith in medicine and doctors in general.

Being on antidepressants for as long as I have has made it hard for me to remember what it felt like before the pills. My memory tells me not much has changed and nothing has improved. So every day I look at the pills in my palm just before I take them and I wonder if taking them every day is hopeless. I’m reminded of the quote “Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over Again and Expecting Different Results”, interestingly often mistakenly attributed to Einstein. Living with mental illness often feels like this. You take 5 steps forward and are thrown 10 steps back repeatedly in a loop. It’s repetitive, soul-crushing and exhausting whilst not even taking into account the bureaucratic nonsense that comes along with mental illness.

Questioning My Medication: What Comes Next?

Right now I am questioning my use of medication and I may take this further with medical supervision. Still, ultimately I see mental health medication as a treatment tool that can be life-changing for many. I’ve spoken to people who have felt instantly more energetic and hopeful after going on antidepressants, whose lives have been changed by mood stabilisers or whose quality of life has been improved with anti-anxiety medications. The lives of some of the most severely affected mental health patients have been saved using medications. They are necessary, useful and effective treatments for many people and it’s truly extraordinary to see how far we’ve come with psychiatric medications. Yet I look forward to the advancements to come for people like me who have tried or are currently on medication that they feel isn’t as effective as we’d like.

In the meantime, I will have to advocate for myself regarding the medication I’m on and continue to experiment with lifestyle changes that can help my mood. Mental illness is such a frustrating type of illness as I’ve found depression and anxiety can be very dependent on life factors that may be out of your control. Financial insecurity, employment, politics, conflict and other situations contribute to depression and anxiety. When you can’t change your circumstance your hope for a medical treatment becomes more desperate so I hope we continue to research and expand our understanding of mental illness and discover more effective medications.

If you would like to learn more about psychiatric medications including statistics I suggest looking at the Mind website or the Mental Health Foundation website.