NancyLostinLife

I got my first job, outside of some acting work I did as a child when I was 16. It was only a few hours on a Saturday and for a full week in the school holidays but I’m proud that I took the initiative to find work as soon as possible. After all, I come from a working-class family of grafters. My parents both worked since their early teens and I had a good work ethic instilled in me by watching them work. However, as I’ve gotten older this attitude has proven to be a little toxic. 

I have been unemployed since April and I’m not taking this well. I’m in a very privileged position in that I can claim Universal Credit, I live with my Mum and I have no dependents so I’m not incredibly desperate financially yet but it’s getting there. The hardest part is the mental health aspect of being unemployed, especially at a time when everyone is saying the job market is the worst it’s ever been. However, I feel like I’ve heard this constantly since 2020. Being unemployed affects my self-esteem, and my ability to hope for the future and in general raises my anxiety and depression considerably. 

I’ve applied for over 80 jobs and interviewed at a dozen with no results. A recent interview which was a little different as it was a group interview with a hypothetical task included left me feeling hopeful that I’d get the position. They even said they were going to use an idea of mine but I was rejected once again. In all honesty, this broke a part of me. I felt that even my best wasn’t good enough and all hope went out the window. I lent on some bad coping strategies and laid in my dark room watching horror films and cursing my lot in life. It was a full-blown pit party.

I’ve experienced unemployment more than once and I know I rarely take it well. After all, growing up I was taught work came before anything and society teaches us that our financial situations are the measure of our success over all else. You asked at a young age what you want to be when you grow up and we all know we mean what job will you do? I was taught that work defines you. So what happens when you have no work? 

My mental state at the moment is bad. I feel like I’m in purgatory. My life is on pause because without a job I can’t afford to do anything. I feel powerless and like my life is in the hands of other people who don’t know me well enough to see that I am an amazing employee. I’ve had my CV reviewed and rewritten. I’ve been told I have amazing skills and experience yet no one seems to want me. It’s hard not to lose hope when life gives you little to be hopeful about. It’s hard not to look around at the other women my age with their friends at the local cafes or working at the offices nearby and feel angry that I’m not them. 

I know comparison is the thief of joy and I don’t know everything about these women I’m envious of but I can’t help but think if there’s something wrong with me that I can’t seem to have what others do. Is it just bad luck? Is it my class? My mental illness? My attitude? My personality? I just want answers to why this is what life is like for me right now. When do I get to have a life? 

Part of me hates that I think like this as I am so lucky in many ways but depression hides those good things from you and my depression right now is growing fat on the despair I feel being unemployed. I don’t have any points of hope to end this post with. I’m not in a hopeful place right now but I will say that if anyone else reading this is feeling as lost and disenfranchised as I am, you’re not alone.