NancyLostinLife

When it was suggested that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder I started doing research. Obviously “doing your own research” isn’t always encouraged when it comes to medicine but I’ve always subscribed to the idea that knowledge is power. So I visited the websites of mental health charities and reputable medical websites. One of the symptoms that stood out to me was Identity Disturbance or the lack of a sense of identity. 

I had thought I was confident in knowing who I was as I’d long accepted that I was a homebody, a non-drinker and creative no matter the social pressures to be otherwise but the more I thought about it the more I saw how lost I’d always felt. It was as if I was always looking for the “real” Nancy behind this character that I created. 

I never stood in my being in the present time and accepted what I was. I am always thinking of this other person I want to be and making choices based on this ideal. This ideal can change which I suppose is normal, especially in our teens and twenties but I have often found myself trying to squeeze into the shapes of other people I feel are better than me. Happier than me. 

I’ve also clung to labels throughout my life, perhaps as an attempt to fit in with people. Although it mostly felt like I was desperate to stand out. So I couldn’t be forgotten or lost in the crowd. I toed the line between different in an interesting way rather than a dangerous way that could lead to my expulsion from groups. 

As a child, I lied to seem impressive, sometimes without thinking the elaborate falsehoods would spill from my lips. I’d try at times to quit lying but in my fear of being left out, I’d go straight back to making up stories. In the end, it was always done as a way to connect with someone. To be a person that I thought others would like and want to be around. 

In primary school, I rarely felt like I fit in so I would mould myself into different versions of who I really was in hopes that my peers would want to be my friends. I joined clubs that I had no interest in because another girl did. I copied the way people spoke so I’d fit in. I played whatever role was necessary to keep my position within a friend group but I never felt particularly wanted. 

When I went to secondary school I vowed to be alone for many reasons but mostly because it felt like friendship was exhausting. However, I quickly slipped into desperately wanting approval. Once again I found myself trying to impress people and searching for the version of myself that would garner me the most attention and connection. As in primary school, I moved from friend group to friend group changing parts of myself but as the internet entered my life I had a wider sense of the world. 

At some point, I realised that maybe I didn’t fit in so perhaps standing out in person would be better. Like millions of teenagers, I wrapped myself in a goth persona. Black walls were built up around me in hopes it would protect me from rejection but friendship can be painful and often is when you’re a hormonal teenager. 

As I’ve got older I’ve prescribed identities to myself. Identities I thought were just foundational parts of my being but looking at them I can’t help but see them as pieces of armour. I labelled myself; an introvert, homebody, unsocial, pessimistic, socially anxious and happy in my own company because they felt safe. If I was alone by nature then it couldn’t be my fault I was alone. It’s just how I preferred it.

I don’t know what parts of my identity are real or what I’ve created in hopes of avoiding the pain of living. What is me and what is what I think everyone else wants? Am I truly happy with who I am or am I just settling for who I feel it is safe to be? 

I still find myself mirroring others I want to like me and doing things for the sake of others. All for the desperate need to be wanted. Which perhaps is why I feel lost all the time. How do you find yourself when you’re looking at someone else’s map?