NancyLostinLife

I’m easily irritated. A fire seems to eternally sizzle in my chest and with a small push, it scorches through my blood yet from the outside you could not tell. When I was looking into BPD and trying to understand my new diagnosis I felt more connection with the lesser-known name of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD). This was because the disorder manifests in me mostly as an extreme sensitivity and emotions. I feel things so deeply and can be triggered by the tiniest thing but it all stays inside. I could be standing perfectly still in a room full of people and inside my mind is a storm.

I never really thought I was an angry person as I associated anger with screaming, shouting and violence. I’d had my moments of striking out as a kid, mostly at my nephew who was more of my brother and therefore my mortal enemy as a child, but I was quiet and hated shouting. Anger to me was loud, explosive and often taken out of those around you. Anger was an emotion you did to someone else. However, a few years ago I started to think about the irritation and annoyance I’d feel suddenly at the most minor inconvenience. I’d notice the physical symptoms I’d have when I was ticked off like muscle pain/fatigue from tension, headaches, restlessness and fatigue. Being angry rarely felt good and could result in me spiralling into darker emotions. That’s why I had to stop watching the news because although I think it’s important to be conscious of world events I found that especially during lockdowns and the different phases of restrictions imposed to decrease the COVID numbers I was getting very riled up. I would feel hot and agitated but then would have nowhere for this energy to go. Most of the issues that were annoying me were and continue to be beyond my control so I was annoyed with no way of easily coming down from the mental cliff edge I’d been led to. 

Social media can also be a big trigger for my rage especially as I keep ending up on right-wing YouTube Shorts and Instagram. These videos are filled with language and views that I’m completely opposed to but I find them fascinating to watch. I recently learned that the algorithm probably knows that this content is making me angry and is pushing these types of videos to influence my rage as it tends to mean I stay longer on the app. Anger is a great tool for getting what you want whether your company, political movement or individual. An angry person is rash and may choose to do things that are contradictory to their well-being or wider beliefs. 

I realised I had a “quiet” anger issue some years ago and began taking temps to limit my anger as if it affected my mental health so much. Unfortunately, this does mean avoiding certain media and issues for my own good. Which as I’ve said can be had due to my want to be informed and on the right side of a fight. However, there’s a point where you have to put yourself first because there’s no point trying to fight a war when you’re not in fighting shape. You have to put yourself first and put your mask on before helping anyone else. Yet I still have a while to go before I truly believe that. When it comes to myself. It feels wrong even writing about putting myself first when there’s so much suffering occuring that I’m privileged enough to be able to look away from. 

Of course, you can’t avoid all triggers, so when I get irritated, I try to calm down by writing down my thoughts, ranting to a friend, or watching some light brain rot. Either way, I need to get it out of my mind or off it. I also find a good run to be a great way to release the tension from my body that comes from feeling frustrated at the world. 

Looking to the future I would like to find a way to utilise my anger and accept it as I hope to do with my emotions in general. My whole life I’ve been told I shouldn’t be angry. When I got annoyed at people or situations as a child I was dismissed as sensitive and dramatic. As a teenager, if I was upset it was shut down as being a “typical” teen response influenced by hormones. As a young woman, I’m still told to ignore men who enrage me on purpose or manipulate me into “not making a scene”. I’ve been trained my whole life to dismiss my anger and other emotions so I became an expert at pushing them down until they built up too much pressure to stay suppressed any longer. Now I must learn to live with my anger. Accept it with open arms and try to understand it. Even as the world continues to tell me I have no right to anger. 

Sometimes fire can be a good thing and instead of running from the blaze in my chest, I should instead use it to fuel and warm me as I forge ahead in life. 

Stay Safe,