I just celebrated my birthday on Halloween and I initially began writing this week’s post about how difficult I can find my birthday, my existential dread around time and basically how I feel like crap right now, especially about my position in life. I’ve found it hard lately not to compare myself to everyone. From friends to strangers on the street whose lives I have no rational way of knowing anything about. As we all know comparison is the thief of joy and lately I have been wallowing in self-pity and depression. I’ve been overly indulging in my worst characteristics and desires. Self-discipline and accountability were thrown out the window most of October and instead, I’ve been lazy and checked out.
I’ve had this issue before at university. Whilst other students indulged in alcohol, drugs and partying with their newfound independence free from parents I allowed the part of my mind that wants to stay in bed and do nothing to win. I excused my lack of responsibility and effort by blaming my absences and deadline extension requests on my mental illnesses. I used depression and anxiety as bulletproof vests against my academic obligations and I regret that.
There’s a time and place for self-compassion, breaks and mental health days but if every day is a rest day then no days are rest days. Depression although something we hate and know is bad for us can be so familiar and comfortable that slipping into its dark embrace feels like the best thing for you but it isn’t. Depression lies and manipulates. Depression is a toxic friend who blinds you with familiarity and brainwashes you with abusive love. Unfortunately, it’s down to you to tell depression to fuck off now and again. Which is hard but sometimes we need to kick ourselves up the arse and save the rest days for when we really need them.
So I decided to scrap my original whiny “woe is me” post I’d started and instead give myself some tough love. So here is my message to myself as I begin my 28th year on this earth:
Nancy, you have been so strong but you have fallen into a trap manifested by your mentally ill mind and it’s time to break free. You are brave, capable and smart so although this will be hard it is possible. Do not feel guilty about falling into this trap but do understand that it’s up to you to climb out now. It’s your choice to pick yourself up, sink your claws into the sides of this hole and pull yourself up. It may take time and a lot of effort but we can’t stay in this place. It’s suffocating, lonely and deadly. It’s ok to take a break on the way up but always know that you’ll need to keep going the next day because you deserve a life outside of the dark. You deserve a life in the light and warmth. It may not be fair that you’re in the hole in the first place or that the sides are slippery or that at times you may fall and have to reclimb a few metres but you need to be your own saviour now because although you have people that love you and want to support you, no one can help someone who won’t help themselves.
Be brave, strong, and better because you deserve better from the one person who is always with you, yourself.
I’ll keep you updated on my journey as I escape the trap my depression has built for me in the last few years and good luck to anyone also fighting their demons. I see you and send you love wherever you are.
Have a lovely week,
NancyLostinLife 
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