NancyLostinLife

This week I stepped into a world foreign to me. A whole new industry with its own language and culture. A role I have no experience in. For anyone, this would be an overwhelming and emotional experience but when you have BPD this can all be amplified. 

I often describe my Borderline Personality Disorder as me feeling things more than most people. I’m hypersensitive to emotions, my own and others. So going into a new situation can be incredibly difficult. It’s perfectly normal for anyone to feel anxious or nervous on their first day somewhere but for me, it’s a bit more intense. Which has manifested in muscle tension, headaches, fatigue and other physical symptoms. 

Unfortunately, there isn’t much I can do but manage these symptoms and push through till I become more comfortable in my role. In the meantime, I’ve taken steps to help myself through this transition. 

I’ve paused other commitments to focus on this new career step for the first week and will slowly reintroduce habits into my life when I feel more settled. I’m prioritising rest by ensuring I get 8 hours of sleep. One way I’m doing this is by doing my hair the night before and sleeping in heatless curlers so I’m not waking up too early. This also means I’m not rushing in the morning which I’ve found to be triggering my anxiety. I’m also giving myself grace and time to adapt to this new situation whilst reminding myself how capable and confident I am using affirmations. Overall, I’m implementing changes as I go.

One of the scariest steps I took was informing my line manager of my mental illnesses. This is something I’ve done in the past and although I’m rationally not ashamed of my mental illnesses, the fear of stigma and lack of education means the conversation is never easy. I find myself consistently promising that my illnesses won’t affect my work and praying that this information won’t affect how capable I look. I like to tell my managers of my illnesses because it probably will affect my work no matter my protest and I’d rather have an open discourse about mental health than come to them at my worst. 

I’ve found my new line manager to be incredibly thoughtful and the team as a whole supportive. I pray that I’ll enjoy this role and the company I’ve joined. That it won’t take a downward spiral into toxicity and burnout. I hope this will be the first step in building a fulfilling life for myself professionally and personally.

It’s difficult not to feel angry that I may have been further on in my life had mental illness not stolen so much time from me. There’s a burning envy in me for people in their early to mid-twenties who seem to have progressed more than I have. These flames are only slightly dampened by halfhearted reminders to myself that everyone’s journey is different. Which is true. I’d tell any loved one that exact phrase should they feel behind but I think as a human you can’t help but compare yourself to your peers. You can help by redirecting your thought pattern. 

I’ve been trying recently to think more positively so when I have a negative thought that knocks my mood down a few pegs I pluck it from my inner monologue and examine it. I accept that it is a thought I’ve had and I try not to beat myself up about it. Then I deconstruct the thought, finding the flaws in the structure of these automatic nasty ideas built by trauma, societal failures and insecurity. I create mind maps of arguments against said thought and use them to build a new pathway. A different perspective will help me build a better outlook for my future self. 

You may not always be able to control the first thoughts that pop into your head but you can aim to manage your second, third and forth thoughts. 

Going into any new situation is scary but it’s a necessary and also exciting aspect of life. Our mindset can often affect how we approach new situations and as hard as they are to change it can be a worthwhile endeavour to build resilience. Because we can do hard things. I can do hard things. 

Next week I’m planning to challenge my importer syndrome thought processes and use my arguing techniques along with affirmations to build structures of confidence and hope. I deserve that and so do you.

Have a lovely week!