NancyLostinLife

I’ve been thinking lately about the type of media I like, why I choose to consume it and how it affects my mental health. This may be due to my new job in publishing, talking about books a lot, and being asked by new coworkers what I like to watch. In any case, I’ve been evaluating my media consumption and thinking critically about whether they positively add to my life. 

I like dark topics. True crime, horror, thrillers, dramas and documentaries on the weirdest and darkest parts of human existence and the world we inhabit are my favourite media. A lot of research has gone into why people like myself love horror and true crime especially. Results are often similar in that controlled fear can be exhilarating and cathartic whilst learning the history of real crimes makes women especially feel empowered with the knowledge to survive better in a world in which violence against women seems to be on the rise. I connect with some of these sentiments although I also have more to add on a personal level. 

My media consumption has never been limited by parental controls. My parents wouldn’t know how to use parental controls and I was often left to my own devices with no bedtime so I would watch all sorts of dark and twisted shows whilst my parents slept. I remember watching the American remake of The Ring and being unable to sleep as I waited for a phone call and a little girl no older than myself at the time to crawl out of the TV to kill me. It was traumatic but also exhilarating. This excitement was amplified at sleepovers where my friends and I would watch Scream or Dead Silence. We’d clutch each other in fright and laugh as we jumped out of our skins are highly predictable but effective jump scares. Watching a horror film spikes your adrenaline as your body enters flight or fight mode but once your conscious brain kicks in and you realise you’re in control that adrenaline makes way for endorphins and dopamine leaving you with a feeling of euphoria. For people who struggle with anxiety feeling this sense of control over their fear and out-of-control fight-or-flight mode can be reassuring and helpful. It’s a reminder that anxiety is not rational and although we may have fear in a situation at first fear can be followed by joy. Horror for me is a powerful examination of the human soul. We as a species have always gravitated towards the horrific whether that be in our bloody and violent myths and legends or our voyeurism when it comes to the murder of our fellow man. 

True crime has also been part of my life since I was a child. A staple on my Mum’s TV schedule and a large part of British culture with shows like Crimewatch I was fascinated by the worst actions people do to each other and how they are brought to justice. In the past five years, true crime has exploded once again as a genre but with newer mediums to utilise. With popularity comes criticism especially as it became more popular with women and women stepped into roles within the creation of true crime media. I’ve noticed that as soon as women like something it seems to suddenly become the downfall of mankind. From Stanley cups to certain genes of entertainment, if women like it you can bet that articles picking it to pieces will quickly follow. But that’s a different post so let me get back on track. 

There has been a lot of analysis around why people like True Crime and once again the results feel familiar. Knowledge is power and fear experienced within a safe environment. I am fascinated by the psychology behind the cases, how the systems that are meant to protect us sometimes don’t and how often the victim’s families will fight for justice. It’s the worst and best of humanity which is a great example of humanity in a concentrated form. 

I don’t understand the people who look down on True Crime as too morbid or negative. Not watching True Crime doesn’t mean that those crimes aren’t happening and I can’t imagine wrapping myself in cotton wool from “bad” media. It feels like sticking your head in the sand but I can understand that the media we consume can have a massive effect on our mood and mental health. A couple of years ago I had to strip back my consumption of feminist social media as I found it was causing me more harm than good. Then a few months into the COVID pandemic I had to stop watching the news. Both of these actions were not done lightly or without guilt over the privilege that afforded me the ability to opt out of the news. I like to think of myself as an informed person and love knowledge but if knowledge is power I can see how that power can easily be malevolent. 

My major reason for limiting my exposure to certain types of media was the anger I could feel bubbling inside me and the fact I had very little opportunity to healthily release the pent-up stress that seeing the actions of others completely outside of my control was having on me. Plus as someone with BPD, I feel things so intensely and I’m such an emotional sponge that it was severely damaging my mental state. I decided that being informed although important was not more important than my health and safety. I told myself that getting upset over things I couldn’t change or control was not productive. 

I still struggle with this decision and sometimes I can’t help but be sucked into a vortex of harrowing news especially if it’s political. I’m currently in the middle of a spiral around right-wing politics critiqued by liberal commentators. I find it so interesting and horrifying but not in the fun and entertaining way that a horror movie feels. I seem to fall down rabbit holes where I want to know all about the weirdest little guys currently in the most powerful positions in the world right now but I know it’s not good for me. It’s almost like a mental self-harm ritual in which I seek out media that I know will have me furious and with nearly no way to express that rage I’ll just simmer until it’s too much. I’ll have to cut myself off eventually for my sanity and to hopefully save my algorithm from sending me down even darker internet endless spirals of doom. 

Ultimately, I’m happy that I know how certain media affects me differently. I know what feeds me and what drains me but when reality feels more terrifying than horror films do we have a moral imperative to not look away? It’s something I believe I’ll continue to struggle with. However, what I do know is that I’m not useful to anyone crying in a corner, filled with unending rage or a husk of myself due to torturing myself with media that harms me. I don’t pretend the world is a positive place. I want to see its darkness but what’s wrong with sometimes looking for the light? 

Take care,